Tuesday, August 29, 2006

mother's rose and onward

My mother loves yellow roses and I planted a yellow rose bush for her. Turned out that was her last year on earth. Her roses always bloom on her birthday much like my daughter's daffodils always bloom on her birthday. Doesn't hurt that my daughter was born in March and my mother in June. Such a relief that my daughter is doing okay. What a way to begin a semester. I'm still feeling much better, although sedated, with my new arsenal of meds. I hope that I'll reach a point where I don't have to take anything. Perhaps the physical therapy I'm starting next week will help. The P.T. I saw before, who was mostly working on scar tissues and myofacial knots, helped in so far as it went. The problem was my P.T. helped me get physically active which in turn aggravated the situation and I was worse than before. She warned me to take it slow so it wasn't her fault. Also a big part of what she did involved heat and estems after the deep massage and with my nuerololgical symptoms, that was beyond uncomfortable. The new P.T. clinic is at a hospital outpatient clinic and my doctor prescribed specific things like back, lymphedema, and balance. I suspect that will be somewhat helpful especially in conjunction with the pain clinic I start on Friday. My biggest problem now is allowing myself optimism. I have always tended to be optimistic but disappointment corrodes that. I realize how fortunate I am. At diagnosis they thought there was a good chance I was already stage four because of the confusing pathology on my nodular melanoma. I went into my first PET/CT scan not knowing what I was facing but my attitude was, I don't care what this shows, I'm not checking out anytime soon. I was almost belligerent in my initial optimism. Hopefully I'll get that back.

1 comment:

Heather said...

Belligerent optimism... I can so relate. I tend to be very aggressively optimistic.

I think it's so hard to retain that when you're in pain...

In my experience, when that optimism is shaken (or beaten out of you), you just roll with the punches, stay down for as long as you need to recover, then get up and come back out punching.

You're stronger than you know.

Hang in there, Carver, we've got your back!