Friday, August 18, 2006

Missing the bird songs

I am up early and the birds aren't singing to me. It is so dramatic the difference between the times of year they are up from the middle of the night on, to the times when they sleep in. I miss hearing them sing first thing. I am going to call my PCP as soon as their office opens and I sort of dread it. I miss the days when I had a family doctor who knew me very well and was a family friend. I had that until I was in my 30s and it wasn't such a big deal at first because I do have a gynecologist who I know well and can count on. As long as I don't have a lot of things to manage, I can just go to my gynecologist for my annual physical. The problem is at this point I have a string of specialists but no one is managing the big picture and things keep cropping up. Oh well, I'll figure it out no doubt.

I used to start my day for years in bed with coffee and a notebook, listening to the birds sing, writing about whatever was on my mind. When my daughter went to college, I had a reverse nesting binge. I went through decades of notebooks I stored in a trunk and tried to get out what I wanted to keep and get rid of the rest. I didn't want so much left behind when I was gone. I was young, still am, at close to 49. Even in 2003, I had a sense of wanting to get my house in order for when I was no longer here. Didn't get very far except with the notebooks. I kept a few in my handwriting but most I discarded and I typed up journals on my computer of what I wanted to keep. As it turned out most of what I wanted to keep was my record of when the birds were up: notes like - I can't sleep, it's 2:00 am and somebody is singing to me. I guess I'll see if I can figure it out from my bird book. If I woke up at 5:00 am and they weren't up yet, I would make note of it and then record when they were up and how many different songs I identified. I also kept a record of my evolving secret garden. All the anxt over friends, my music, my job, family, even goals and desires were gone, poof. I kept a log of birds, plants, walks, some trips but little else. I did keep a few of my political and philisophical essays though doubtful that they were worth keeping. Now if I write in my notebook at all it's a few sentences every other week.

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