Friday, September 08, 2006

Reminded of my breadcrumb trail

I was reminded of my breadcrumb trail when I was at Ace yesterday and saw bags of the river pebbles I hauled 600 lbs at a time to my house 6 years ago. The bags weigh 50 pounds a piece and I was told 600 lbs was max in terms of my cars suspension. It took quite a while to get 10,000 pounds home which was what it took to pour the trail from curbside in front of my house up and around and through the back garden. I knew when I did it that it was temporary which is why I called it a breadcrumb trail. I didn't dig or grade or do the things that would be necessary for a more permanent path. I know I talked about this in one of my blog entries before my first blog crashed but I think about it whenever I see river pebbles or when I'm in my garden and even the big stepping stones are starting to disappear in a sea of earth and plants. Everything is temporary. Even a carefully graded path would need to be replinished over time or at least the kind of path I made would. The most permanent seeming structures are only permanent in a finite way. I could still recreate my path with time and hard work for very little money. If I started digging in the areas where the pebbles and larger rocks which came from cultivating my yard as I turned it into a garden, I would have most of the material to lay a new path. The stepping stones are still there. Maybe that could be a physical goal for me. The goal could be for my body to be rehabilitated to the point where I could salvage my breadcrumb trail. It's not hiking from Georgia to Maine or the Appalachian trail, or running a marathon, or doing an outward bound trip. It's still a huge goal in terms of where I am now. I need to start forming new goals. I feel like my fatalism of late is unacceptable. I wan't depressed or sad or unhappy but I was growing increasingly fatalistic and I don't like that. One of the main components of my personality has always been an undying glimmer of hope no matter what the situation. After P.T. yesterday I am once again getting back that glimmer of hope that I can at least find a new normal which will include being able to do some of the things that I love. Maybe I won't be able to dig my trail again but I can have that as a goal for now and then as things go along, if necessary, I can adjust my goals to my situation. That's the important thing. If I can stay flexible I can remain optimistic, if I get rigid I may break and I'm not going to do that.

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