Friday, September 22, 2006

I hope the final word will come Monday

I hope that I will will find out Monday that my lipoma was a lipoma and nothing else when I go for my surgery check up. I have been doing oh so much better mentally and somewhat better physically. Finding a fixable answer to part of my physical problems was huge. Kind of funny that I'd be so thrilled to find out I have a vitamin D deficiency but the point is that it's something that can and is being fixed. I will even be glad if the other lab work the rheumatologist is doing explains the rest in terms of peripheral neuropathy, frozen shoulder, etc. As long as it's not lupus but that is not one he thought even remotely likely. The thyroid and/or hypoglycemia which would fit with the vitamin D deficiency are more likely. Both of those are probably correctable if I do test positive. Which brings me to my biggest fear. I have assumed the lipoma will come back as just that, a lipoma. I am basing that on my doctor saying "from the naked eye" it looks like a run of the mill lipoma, after the surgery. I am superstitious enough that it worries me to be too certain of anything. It will certainly be a shocker at this point if it turns out to be melanoma. Ironic because my gut has been telling me something was seriously off for over a year and I have been expecting bad news at every scan. I strongly suspected I had paraneoplastic syndrome and my body was attacking its self while trying to attack the melanoma cells. The problem was lately I've felt like I was losing. Ah the mind is a dangerous thing. Where my superstitious side plays in is I've been so happy this week and I'm afraid that's when the hornets going to dive bomb on in with the stinger. I feel like benign answers are lining up and to top it off, the lipoma looked like a lipoma after it was excised. I'm almost afraid at this point to become too optimistic and that's not me. I've always been great at optimism. I've also always had this slightly superstitious side and am a little fearful of jinxing myself which is silly. Murphys' Law, supersition, whatever you want to call it is just at the surface tonight and to hell with that. I'm not going to let it bring me down. I guess it's time to stop researching. Yep, I just couldn't stop myself from reading more. Digging up those cases with differentials. I know better. I know if I google with lipoma and melanoma and differential in the search string, I'll find something to make me worry. Stupid, stupid, stupid. That's okay. Just a few more days and I'll get good news and then onward and forward. I may even start limiting my computer time to work and email for a while. It's a thought. I'll want to check the MPIP and blogs to see how everyone else is doing but I need to seriously limit it. Sarah was right when she suggested on a comment a few days ago that I might try taking a few weeks break from the boards. I know I should do that. For one thing my eyes are giving out on me. Between work, the BB, blogging, and email not to mention reading and TV my eyes are being asked for a lot and they are failing me.

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