Thursday, October 05, 2006

Wish I could have let you be . . .

I got home from physical therapy and spotted a spider busy doing what spiders do. I wish I could have let her be. She had almost finished her intricate web. The problem is she had spun the web across the gate into my back garden which would have been okay except that's how the gas meter reader usually goes to get back to read my meter. I didn't want to be responsible for a potentially dangerous bite. Not sure what kind of spider this is. In my half ass way, I moved the spider into the bushes but let it live. Of course that means it could theoretically begin spinning a new web, if it finds it's way back up to the starting point, in the same risky area for the meter readers. Today was my first physical therapy session in the pool. The others so far have been in the clinic. It went well but I'm beat. Yesterday was a follow up with my newest doctor, rheumatologist, and the only suprise was how high my C reactive protein test was. That could be a sign of an infection. Since the blood was drawn before my lipoma excision, it can't be from the surgery so I don't know what it means. There are certainly unpleasant possibilites but the doctor said we'd wait and re-test the CRP when he re-tests the vitamin D to see if the script is bringing that up. One high CRP test isn't of concern as that would be a fluke and could mean I had some kind of inflammatory process going on from an infection. I have P.T. at the clinic tomorrow. Three P.T. sessions a week plus a doctor's appointment is a lot but compared to what so many people have to deal with that's a walk in the park and I know it. I remember late in my Dad's life when he started some new volunteer work after retiring and he talked about how it was important to him not to always feel like an object. He had been diagnosed with congestive heart failure and I clearly recall the doctor telling me that he probably had about a year on the outside. I asked the doctor if I should tell my brother and sisters that they should come see him. My Dad was in ICU having gone into code blue during a planned heart catheter test which was pretty routine, in light of his on going heart issues. Having him go into code blue and then find out he had congestive heart failure was totally unexpected. The doctor said if his other children hadn't seen him recently, that they might want to come for a visit but he expected that he would recover well enough to go home. My Dad turned that one year on the outside prognosis into seven and part of the way he did it was by continuing to live. Okay I know I'm stating the obvious but I mean more than the obvious by that. He also made some changes which were beneficial to his health but I think the volunteer work he did and his interest in life up to the end were big factors. I remember commenting to him on how great I thought something he was doing was and he said that he was tired of feeling like an object and having the doctors, etc. always doing stuff to him as opposed to him engaging himself in living. He made a similar comment after Mom died in terms of not retiring right a way. His doctor had even said he didn't think it would be a good idea for him to retire that year even though he was retirement age and had his own health issues. What my Dad said about needing to get away from being an object, even if it was as the object of well meaning people who tried to do things for him after Mother died, makes a lot of sense to me. In my weird way, researching what may or may not relate to my situation has been a way for me to engage and not strictly be an object but I need to move beyond that. I'm not going to find any comfort in research and I'm not going to figure out what is going on with me at any given point. I need to start thinking about volunteering in the adult literacy programs like I've meant to do, or something else, anything that is totally removed from melanoma.

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