Monday, June 11, 2007

Butterfly to the Rescue

Okay, I'll admit it. My post blog title today is over the top silly even for me. However, it felt like my day was rescued by this busy butterfly. Not sure why I was in such a dark mood but I was. I woke up out of sorts and as the day progressed that out of sort feeling grew. I'm a little keyed up about my Thursday appointment with the medical oncologist but no particular reason to be. I don't expect anything beyond the same old, same old, which is GREAT. I'll discuss the CRP issue with him but the bottom line is as long as my scans aren't showing anything alarming I have to assume that the melanoma isn't getting a toe hold in me. I do believe that except at those deep dark places I keep telling to shut up. Part of my problem is optimism about physical improvement. I know that sounds a little nuts but I swear I think that's the problem. I'll have some kind of an adjustment in pain meds or a shot and I feel enough better to do more and am disappointed when I slide back down. It's not that it's that bad comparatively. I think if I could get to a place where I accept my limitations and am grateful for what I do have and stop going up and down, I'd be much better off. It is a worry that the CRP keeps going up because I don't want to take a chance with systemic autoimmune suppressants and I don't need to discuss that with the oncologist to know that's what I think although I will discuss it with him. I'm certainly going to be interested in his take on it. That said, I am pretty sure that unless I get significantly worse physically, I'm not going to want to risk certain types of medications that could help with the chronic pain but might be risky to me as a melanoma patient. Back to the point of my blog title. There I was getting darker and darker when I glanced out my kitchen window to see a butterfly sent to rescue my mood. Yep, just for me. How egocentric is that but I don't care. I'm happy to provide the butterfly with a lovely feeding station and the butterfly in turn seemed perfectly contented to keep eating while I snapped picture after picture. My garden provided the afternoon snack and the butterfly in turn provided the mood elevator. How symbiotic is that! I don't lose sight of what I have in my life. Friends, family, birds, butterflies, flowers. Yep, I sound like some cheesy blurb or feel good message, and the miracle is that it's true. If I can push away the dark cloud and focus on the butterfly I find that I feel much better. Not always easy but for today the butterfly rescued my afternoon.


Anonymous said...

A miracle is a shift in perception. The butterfly was your gift so that you could discover somthing true:

Be not afraid of going slowly, be afraid only of standing still.
-Chinese Proverb

You know it...just needed a little reminder in the form of a beautiful whisper.
Love, Kim

Anonymous said...

Funny thing a butterfly came into your life today just in time to rescue you from the dark spaces in your mind. Even stranger still, the same thing happened to me on Sunday..I was watching the softball game and thinking Sammy would love this and lo and behold the biggest most beautiful butterfly flew right in front of me and zoomed around and around for the longest time. Amazing! I love wht Kim said.."just needed a little reminder in the form of a beautiful whisper". Love the photos as always. It is a sad day with SarahT's passing and maybe that's why you were feeling disgruntled and why I was on the computer at 4 am and why AmyB did the same..a strange sort of day but the butterfly came to the rescue. as always, sue